Thursday, November 10, 2011

A new stage

Our Thankfulness Tree... a new tradition for us.
  Oh boy.  Its a new stage of life for me.  It always seems like I go through YEARS of longing for the "way things were".  I'm trying not do do that now that both kids are in school full time.  I mean, of COURSE I miss them and totally KNEW this was coming.  Don't get me wrong, but with that part aside, I'm trying to figure out my priorities.  I've put myself on the back burner for so long regarding devotions, health, looks, creativity, and accepted lower standards for housework for too long, that it all seems urgent...not to mention doing a better job caring for my family and making meals when they come home (because I'm supposed to have more time, you know...)

I want to ride the exercise bike for an hour a day... but it takes SO much out of me, I don't have much energy to do anything else.  OR I'll tell myself the house is too dirty to do my workout and my workout will have to be cleaning house instead.  

I really miss being creative. I know that is my calling in life.  I told myself that I'd give myself every afternoon a chance to be creative - it would work great to get working on an idea for a scrapbook page and then greet the kids when they get off the bus and while they relax a bit downstairs with me while they watch TV, I'll finish my project and get going on dinner.   And Fridays would be my all-day crafting day (at least for the time being) because I've had crafter's block and part of it is because it is overwhelming with how far behind my goals I am, and I need more time to catch up and be more readily inspired.

Housework.  Ugh.  All I think about when I'm cleaning is "dog hair on this surface or that ...or ew! one just flew up my nose!"  It's disgusting.  Never trust a breeder when they tell you "short hair dogs don't shed very bad".  It is especially bad in the fall/spring, when the forced air isn't blowing on the A/C or furnace, catching the fine hair in the filter.   My husband is supposed to brush him regularly and wash him ever 1-2 weeks, but I hate nagging him to do it.  (that was one condition of keeping the dog).   Never mind the animal lovers that will make me feel guilty if we ever find a new home for Sparky.  Like we didn't do enough research...   that's a different post, though.

And then there is my church ministry.  I plan music for 1/3rd of the services.  Sounds like it would be easy, but it isn't and it is time-consuming.  I always have something from it hanging over my head, whether it is the latest powerpoint to do, pulling music and stuffing folders or scheduling practice or being at practices.  Church services many times are spent being concerned about sound or handing out folders, catching musicians to ask questions, etc.  It really is like having a part-time job that I don't get paid for.  I do enjoy doing it, but there is so much flux in the variables with it that make it exhausting.   But someone's gotta do it.   The other two planners have their own jobs on top of this responsibility.  I just need to get more organized.

...and then there is the hope to make my home a peaceful, supportive refuge for my family.  A place of grace and hospitality.  To encourage spiritual growth in my family and maintain family traditions.  But it feels like every implement of getting more organized is like one step forward, two steps back.

It is just a lot to think about and is overwhelming to decide what is the most important thing to do each day.  I may need to make one of those "laundry on Monday, Bills on Tuesday..." lists.

I'm sorry this is a depressing read.  I realize I'm struggling a bit.  I like to be spur-of-the-moment but I feel like all my worldly responsibilities are holding me down.  I'm not sure what God wants for me.