I have struggled with depression most of my life. I have even had times I wanted to end it.
I have had a song stuck in my head today, called "Inside Out".
It's a Christian song, and like depression, I find that whatever thoughts we fill our heads with, our heart takes on. If you fill your thoughts with junk, your heart will inevitably have it too. So rather than listening to regular radio, since I am prone to get songs stuck in my head (who don't!) I listen to the Christian radio station. And because I was listening to that, I got this wonderful song stuck in my head, and the lyrics refresh me...
I really wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn't become a Christian. I had such angry thoughts. A school shooter? Maybe. Suicide? Possibly. Thankfully, the sister that I always fought with in our younger years shared what she learned about Christ with me on one of her college breaks. And 15 years later, I have that faith inside me that when I feel turned inside out, I can lean on Him. I don't have to walk the road with depression and not as perfect health as I'd like alone. Its not about being religious. Its not about being weak. It's about realizing our world is imperfect, full of illness, sin and selfishness. Its full of sin. And so are we. But we are given Grace. Don't get me wrong, the world is full of a lot of beauty too - I'm reminded of that whenever I look at my kids, witness kindness and grace, or walking in my garden--even the weeds, lol. But to imagine heaven, where there is no pain, no illness, no sadness, nothing remotely sinful. The thoughts we will have will have nothing to do with having an achy body, a broken heart or any other daily struggles to deal with...Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Hillsong United lyrics - From The Inside Out
album: United We Stand (2006)
A thousand times I've failed