Friday, August 7, 2009

my heart is inside out right now...

I have a heavy heart. A soldier has lost his own personal battle. My nieces and nephews will no longer have their Dad. The timing... oh, the timing. I have so much anger, frustration and sadness right now for them, him, his parents. I really don't know what led up to this, but I'm sure depression did.

I have struggled with depression most of my life. I have even had times I wanted to end it.

I have had a song stuck in my head today, called "Inside Out".

It's a Christian song, and like depression, I find that whatever thoughts we fill our heads with, our heart takes on. If you fill your thoughts with junk, your heart will inevitably have it too. So rather than listening to regular radio, since I am prone to get songs stuck in my head (who don't!) I listen to the Christian radio station. And because I was listening to that, I got this wonderful song stuck in my head, and the lyrics refresh me...
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
I really wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn't become a Christian. I had such angry thoughts. A school shooter? Maybe. Suicide? Possibly. Thankfully, the sister that I always fought with in our younger years shared what she learned about Christ with me on one of her college breaks. And 15 years later, I have that faith inside me that when I feel turned inside out, I can lean on Him. I don't have to walk the road with depression and not as perfect health as I'd like alone. Its not about being religious. Its not about being weak. It's about realizing our world is imperfect, full of illness, sin and selfishness. Its full of sin. And so are we. But we are given Grace. Don't get me wrong, the world is full of a lot of beauty too - I'm reminded of that whenever I look at my kids, witness kindness and grace, or walking in my garden--even the weeds, lol. But to imagine heaven, where there is no pain, no illness, no sadness, nothing remotely sinful. The thoughts we will have will have nothing to do with having an achy body, a broken heart or any other daily struggles to deal with...

Hillsong United lyrics - From The Inside Out

album: United We Stand (2006)

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

Jon was 26. He was a soldier in the Army. He had three (beautiful) children as well as their older sister, "S". He was home on leave from overseas when ... he decided he didn't want to go back there, I guess. There are a lot of people hurting because of this. If you could, would you please pray for these people? Thank you.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Eight years ago next week, my dear brother also lost his own personal battle. I understand what it is to have a heavy, heavy, heart, and to have to go through life without someone you love.

    I am also no stranger to depression, and can totally relate to the struggles that come with it. My God grant you much help and strength as you deal with this loss!

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  2. Thanks for sharing your heart. I often wonder what my life would have been like without Christ. Praise Him we don't know that, huh? Sorry for you grief and pain. Praying... **hug**

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